Fostering Resilience In Children

Caroline Murphy
Nov 17, 2024
8 min read

Updated: Feb 25

Author's note: The author firmly believes that every child, regardless of their circumstances or trauma, is capable of resilience and moving forward into a bright future. However, it is important to recognize that the role of the parent or caregiver is just one of many factors that influence a child's resilience. Change does not happen overnight, and healing is not a process with a set timeline. It is a journey that requires patience, consistency, and adherence to best practices. With time, dedication, and support, growth and healing will begin to take root, allowing children to thrive despite their challenges.

Trauma without adequate caregiver support disrupts a child's ability to regulate their stress response, potentially causing long-term harm to their body and brain. Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), such as abuse, neglect, financial hardship, and parental mental illness, are linked to increased risks of health and developmental problems. Research shows a dose-response relationship: higher trauma exposure correlates with greater risks. Conversely, affectionate parent-child relationships reduce these risks. Preventing trauma could significantly decrease negative outcomes in adulthood, including reducing rates of depression (44%), smoking (33%), and unemployment (15%). Programs supporting families should prioritize strengthening parent-child attachment, particularly for children facing trauma, to promote resilience and healthier futures.

There are common factors found in children who demonstrate resilience in the face of trauma. As parents, guardians, teachers, and other influential adults, we have the power to create a supportive framework and environment that serves as a foundation for children to develop the traits and characteristics needed to thrive.

The following outline is adapted from the Positive Youth Development movement by Rick Little and colleagues at the International Youth Foundation. It is designed to provide parents and caregivers of children who have experienced trauma with guiding principles to create an environment that fosters the development of resilience.

Principles for Parents

Beliefs and Expectations

Start by reflecting on your mindset and approach. Do you believe in your child’s ability to succeed, even when they struggle? Set high yet realistic expectations for them, reinforcing these beliefs with affirmations like, “I know you can do this.” Celebrate progress, no matter how small, to show that their efforts are valued and success is achievable.

Building Competence

Focus on what your child does well rather than fixating on mistakes. Help them recognize their strengths and talents, and encourage them to build on these abilities. Develop practical skills such as communication, time management, and emotional regulation through structured practice and guidance. Empower them to make safe decisions by offering choices and supporting their ability to learn from mistakes. Praise their effort rather than only their outcomes, and avoid lecturing in ways they might not understand.

Fostering Confidence

Confidence grows when children see themselves as capable. Highlight their successes, even small ones, to help them feel competent. Reinforce their value and abilities by focusing on what they’ve done right and expressing belief in their potential. Help them understand that challenges build survival skills and resilience. Avoid shame-based responses, and instead, encourage persistence by acknowledging progress and setting new goals they can achieve with effort.

Creating Strong Connections

Build trust and a sense of community within your home. Spend quality, undistracted time with your child to show that you are reliable and supportive. Establish family routines, like shared meals or activities, to create bonds and foster open communication. If stable connections outside the home are lacking, become that consistent, caring presence in your child’s life. Help them take pride in their culture, heritage, or identity to build confidence and a sense of belonging.

Teaching Character

Model integrity and perseverance in your actions, and use everyday moments to discuss values like empathy, responsibility, and resilience. Encourage your child to think critically about right and wrong and how their actions affect others. Involve them in acts of kindness or service to foster a sense of care for others and their community. Highlight traits like grit, integrity, and tenacity as qualities they can cultivate.

Encouraging Contribution

Show your child that their contributions matter by involving them in family decisions and community projects. Encourage them to take ownership of small tasks, and praise their efforts to help others. Help them see how overcoming past challenges makes them uniquely positioned to guide and support others. When appropriate, position them as role models for siblings or peers, reinforcing the value of their growth and experiences.

Developing Coping Skills

Equip your child with tools to manage stress and challenges. Model healthy coping strategies, such as exercise, mindfulness, or journaling, and encourage them to explore these techniques. Foster creative expression through art, music, or writing to help them process emotions. Teach them to break down overwhelming problems into manageable steps and to focus on realistic assessments of their situations. Ensure they have access to safe spaces for play and expression, and provide a supportive environment where they can openly share their thoughts and feelings.

Restoring a Sense of Control

Help your child understand the relationship between actions and outcomes. Use discipline as an opportunity to teach rather than punish, showing how their choices lead to consequences. Celebrate small successes to build confidence and momentum, and give them opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions. If your child has experienced trauma, provide stability and reassurance while allowing them to regain a sense of control over their lives. Teach them that while some circumstances are beyond their control, positive choices can shift the odds in their favor.

By consistently applying these principles in each area, parents can create a nurturing and empowering environment that helps their children overcome struggles and build resilience for a successful future.

The 7 Cs (The Positive Youth Development, 2023)

The Resilience-based Philosophy: Reflections on Our Program

The Essential 2 questions:

Within our walls, do we believe in every young person unconditionally and hold them to high expectations?
Do we sincerely believe that every child can succeed?

Competence

Do we see what a young people have done right? Or do we focus on their mistakes?
Do we help our youth recognize what they have going for themselves?
Do we help them focus on those strengths and build on them?
Are we helping to build the authentic skills that make them competent in the real world?

Educational Skills Work Skills Social Skills Interview Skills Anger Management SkillsStress-reduction Skills

Do we communicate in a way that empowers them to make their own decisions, or do we undermine their sense of competence by lecturing them, thereby giving them information in a style they cannot grasp? Rather than talking down to them, do we instead deliver information in a manner they understand?
Do we let them make safe mistakes so they have the opportunity to right themselves, or do we protect them from every bump and bruise?
Do we praise in a way that notices effort more than it rewards the product?

Confidence

Do we see the best in our youth so that they can see the best in themselves?
Do we clearly express that we expect the best in them?
Do we help them recognize what they have done right? (Confidence comes from knowing that one has competence.)
Do we help them understand that they have authentic survival skills?
Do we treat them as incapable children or young adults learning to navigate a difficult world?
Do we catch them when they are doing the right thing?
Do we encourage them to strive just a little bit further because we believe they can succeed?
Do we avoid instilling shame?

Connection

Do we recognize that adults' unconditional belief in a young people— and holding them to high expectations—is the single most important factor determining whether those young people will be able to overcome challenging circumstances?
Do we enter young people’s lives without permission, or do we give them time to understand we are worthy of their trust?
Do we build a sense of safe community within our walls?
Do we encourage young people to take pride in the various ethnic, religious, or cultural groups they belong to?
Do we recognize that for many of our most troubled youth, the firm attachment to a stable family might be missing? Further, do we know that our role as stable caring adults takes on an even greater importance?
Do we have a television and self-contained entertainment system in every room, or do we create a common space so people share time together? Does everyone exist in their own world hiding behind earphones, and texting distant friends, or is communication happening here?

Character

Are we helping our youth to recognize themselves as caring people?
Do we allow them to clarify their own values?
Do we allow them to consider right versus wrong and look beyond immediate needs?
Do we help them understand how their behavior affects others?
Do we help them develop a sense of spirituality that fits into their (not our) belief system?
Do we value them so clearly that we model for them how important it is to care for others?
Do we value each other so clearly that we demonstrate the importance of community?
Do we value each young person, and promote the understanding that when all reach their potential, every child benefits?
Do we notice the character traits of grit--integrity and tenacity?

Contribution

Do we make clear that we believe our youth can make the world a better place?
As we create programs that serve youth, do we include them in the planning process, appreciating that they are the experts on themselves and their own needs?
Do we create opportunities for each youth to contribute to the community?
Do we share how important a value it is to serve others?
Do we help our young people recognize that precisely because they have come through difficult times, they are positioned to guide others in how to improve their lives?
Do we search in each person’s life for another individual for whom they might serve as a role model? Do we use this to encourage them to be the best person they can possibly be?
Do we help them to understand that if they have messed up in their past, their recovery serves as a model?

Coping

Do we recognize that so many of the risk behaviors youth engage in are attempts at reducing the stress or pain in their lives?
Do we condemn young people for their behaviors? Do we increase their sense of shame and therefore drive them toward those behaviors?
Do we believe that telling youth to “just stop” the negative behaviors will do any good?
Do we guide youth to develop positive, effective coping strategies?
Do we help young people understand when their thoughts are magnifying problems? Do we help them to make realistic assessments?
Do we model positive coping strategies on a daily basis?
Do we encourage caring for our bodies through exercise, good nutrition, and adequate sleep?
Can children safely play and exercise outdoors or in recreational centers in our community?
Do we encourage creative expression? Does our community offer resources and programs in which children and teens are able to learn and practice creative expression?
Do we encourage written and verbal expression in a way that allows each youth to reveal thoughts in a comfortable manner, whether through talking, journaling, poetry or rap?
Do we create an environment in which talking, listening, and sharing is safe and productive?
Do we model relaxation techniques?
As we struggle to compose ourselves so we can make the fairest, wisest decisions, do we model how we take control rather than respond impulsively?

Control

Do we help young people understand that life is not purely random?
Do we help them to understand that they are not responsible for many of the bad circumstances that may have plagued them?
Do we help them think about the future, but make it less overwhelming by helping them learn to take one step at a time?
Do we help them recognize their mini-successes so they can experience the knowledge that they can succeed?
Do we help youth understand that while no one can control all his circumstances, each person can shift the odds by choosing positive or protective behaviors?
Do we understand that youth who have been hurt emotionally or physically may think they have no control and therefore have no reason to take positive action?
Do we understand that discipline is about teaching not punishing or controlling. Do we use discipline as a means to help someone understand that their actions produce consequences (in other words, life is not random)?
As we work to build trauma-informed practices, do we understand that traumatized children lost control over portions of their lives, and, therefore, our giving them back a sense of control is key to their healing?

References

Burke-Harris, N. 2015. How childhood trauma affects health across a lifetime. TED. Presentation. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95ovIJ3dsNk
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (n.d.). Data visualizations: Adverse childhood experiences. (aces). Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/aces/data-visualization.html#info2
Resilience. Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2020b, August 17). https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/resilience
Webster EM. The Impact of Adverse Childhood Experiences on Health and Development in Young Children. Glob Pediatr Health. 2022 Feb 26;9:2333794X221078708. doi: 10.1177/2333794X221078708. PMID: 35237713; PMCID: PMC8882933
What is toxic stress? (n.d.). https://www.acesaware.org/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/2-What-is Toxic- Stress-English.pdf